I have this theory that if I didn't know how to control my emotions and didn't have an understanding as to why bad things happen, I'd be temperamental. I'd be angry a lot. Let's face it, people are infuriating. Unreasonableness and dogma is impossible to avoid, even amongst friends. I've felt it before. Everyone has, I'm sure. I think that if I didn't know how to handle other people's unreasonableness, I'd just be a fireball of rage constantly.
It used to bother me for days. It used to bother me for weeks. I guess I've always had a hard time letting things go, but problems were pretty minor in elementary and middle school. It's when I reached high school that people acted like morons and actually hurt themselves and others around them. I hated it, because I could always see it coming.
Maybe I'm being to vague. Here's an example. Once upon a time, I was a friends with a girl who loved dating. She was basically boy-crazy. She would flirt with any boy she liked, whether she was currently dating or not. Eventually, inevitably, she had boy trouble. I was still at the point in my life where I felt obligated to help others, so I gave her advice. Lots and lots of advice. It was completely reasonable, and she always agreed I was right. But she always ignored it. She would tell me she wished she could like me, since I had no boy problems whatsoever (at least, not at that time). I insisted that she could, but she still didn't listen. Then she'd get dumped or break up with a boy, and be all sad and upset. I could come in and help her grieve. Then she'd get back with the same guy a month later, insisting that he changed. Lather, rinse, repeat. We drifted. Every time I saw her, she was really nice, but always with a different guy and eventually I realized her problems weren't worth my time.
After we drifted but before I came to that reasonable conclusion, I was extremely angry. I'm not sure what I was angry at, but I was angry every time I saw her walk down the hall with a new boy. I was furious when I found out she was, at one point, dating someone who was twenty-five. Honestly, this rage was really misguided because it was never my business to begin with. I was disappointed in her, even though we weren't best friends or anything. I was angry at the fact she thought she couldn't help it. If she just accepted that having a different boyfriend every month was just who she was, maybe I wouldn't have been so upset. What bothered me so much was the fact that she kept making the same mistakes over and over again, then complaining about them. Mistakes that could have been prevented. I was so mad at her whole situation. I would talk myself into a frenzy just thinking about it. Why wouldn't she just listen to me?! I'm SO right! I know I'm right! I have no experience dating and I know more about the lies that guys tell girls than she does! I'm right I'm right I'm right! ARRRGGHHH!
Eventually, though, I got over it. It was one of the first experiences I had in "getting over" something. Given enough time, it stopped making me want to throw something. I came to the slow, gradual realization that it was her life and her decision and there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change her mind. Since I cared about her, I wouldn't even say she was being stupid. Her heart was involved, it was emotional decisions. She may have acted like she wanted logic and reason, but her heart was already made up. The heart is treacherous and desperate.
So, after that whole thing, I thought I was done. HA. Not even close. It kept happening again. And again. And again. With different friends and different scenarios. I thought I was more mature after I got over the flirty, boy-crazy girl. I wasn't. Every single time it happened, I would get really angry. School stress played a factor, obviously, but it was mostly WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE THAT I'M RIGHT!? I would come home and spend hours talking to myself, saying things I should tell them over and over, and then never actually doing it. My whole body would become tense. I also couldn't sleep if I let myself start ranting about it shortly before bed. I'd get all fired up and have nowhere to put my angry energy.
It got pretty bad at the end of senior year. Eventually I was mad at everyone. I really wanted to escape the sea of morons I was surrounded. My friends didn't appreciate those comments, but I stopped caring. (Most) of the ones I associated with on a regular basis were pretty reasonable. The vast majority weren't.
Then I graduated. Yay! I'm all done now, right? WRONG. I don't know why I thought I would escape unreasonable people, especially since a big part of my day consists of knocking on the doors of strangers.
The unreasonable people I knew in high school still bothered me for months after graduating. Mostly because I couldn't say "I told you so" and all that. Any time I would get a chance to rant about it, I would take it. Which would make me mad again. Then I'd meet dogmatic people in the ministry and ARRGHH! People make me so ANGRY! I would never get angry to their face. It would always pop in later.
Just like everything else, though, I got over it. I don't know how or why, but when I think about all the things people did in high school that made me mad, it doesn't make me mad anymore. Even when I meet unreasonable people now, it doesn't stew in my mind for days. Something changed. I guess it's just getting older or whatever, but it's something that's made my life a whole lot easier.
Nowadays, I just feel sad and feel sorry for them. I wish they could be reasonable so they don't have to get hurt in order to realize they're making a mistake. I wish they wouldn't tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about, but it's ok. Maybe I don't. Maybe they're right. Maybe it'll work out for them.
I'm not mad at them anymore. I just want them, these people I deal with on a daily basis, to be happy. And I hope it all works out for the best.
It used to bother me for days. It used to bother me for weeks. I guess I've always had a hard time letting things go, but problems were pretty minor in elementary and middle school. It's when I reached high school that people acted like morons and actually hurt themselves and others around them. I hated it, because I could always see it coming.
Maybe I'm being to vague. Here's an example. Once upon a time, I was a friends with a girl who loved dating. She was basically boy-crazy. She would flirt with any boy she liked, whether she was currently dating or not. Eventually, inevitably, she had boy trouble. I was still at the point in my life where I felt obligated to help others, so I gave her advice. Lots and lots of advice. It was completely reasonable, and she always agreed I was right. But she always ignored it. She would tell me she wished she could like me, since I had no boy problems whatsoever (at least, not at that time). I insisted that she could, but she still didn't listen. Then she'd get dumped or break up with a boy, and be all sad and upset. I could come in and help her grieve. Then she'd get back with the same guy a month later, insisting that he changed. Lather, rinse, repeat. We drifted. Every time I saw her, she was really nice, but always with a different guy and eventually I realized her problems weren't worth my time.
After we drifted but before I came to that reasonable conclusion, I was extremely angry. I'm not sure what I was angry at, but I was angry every time I saw her walk down the hall with a new boy. I was furious when I found out she was, at one point, dating someone who was twenty-five. Honestly, this rage was really misguided because it was never my business to begin with. I was disappointed in her, even though we weren't best friends or anything. I was angry at the fact she thought she couldn't help it. If she just accepted that having a different boyfriend every month was just who she was, maybe I wouldn't have been so upset. What bothered me so much was the fact that she kept making the same mistakes over and over again, then complaining about them. Mistakes that could have been prevented. I was so mad at her whole situation. I would talk myself into a frenzy just thinking about it. Why wouldn't she just listen to me?! I'm SO right! I know I'm right! I have no experience dating and I know more about the lies that guys tell girls than she does! I'm right I'm right I'm right! ARRRGGHHH!
Eventually, though, I got over it. It was one of the first experiences I had in "getting over" something. Given enough time, it stopped making me want to throw something. I came to the slow, gradual realization that it was her life and her decision and there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change her mind. Since I cared about her, I wouldn't even say she was being stupid. Her heart was involved, it was emotional decisions. She may have acted like she wanted logic and reason, but her heart was already made up. The heart is treacherous and desperate.
So, after that whole thing, I thought I was done. HA. Not even close. It kept happening again. And again. And again. With different friends and different scenarios. I thought I was more mature after I got over the flirty, boy-crazy girl. I wasn't. Every single time it happened, I would get really angry. School stress played a factor, obviously, but it was mostly WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE THAT I'M RIGHT!? I would come home and spend hours talking to myself, saying things I should tell them over and over, and then never actually doing it. My whole body would become tense. I also couldn't sleep if I let myself start ranting about it shortly before bed. I'd get all fired up and have nowhere to put my angry energy.
It got pretty bad at the end of senior year. Eventually I was mad at everyone. I really wanted to escape the sea of morons I was surrounded. My friends didn't appreciate those comments, but I stopped caring. (Most) of the ones I associated with on a regular basis were pretty reasonable. The vast majority weren't.
Then I graduated. Yay! I'm all done now, right? WRONG. I don't know why I thought I would escape unreasonable people, especially since a big part of my day consists of knocking on the doors of strangers.
The unreasonable people I knew in high school still bothered me for months after graduating. Mostly because I couldn't say "I told you so" and all that. Any time I would get a chance to rant about it, I would take it. Which would make me mad again. Then I'd meet dogmatic people in the ministry and ARRGHH! People make me so ANGRY! I would never get angry to their face. It would always pop in later.
Just like everything else, though, I got over it. I don't know how or why, but when I think about all the things people did in high school that made me mad, it doesn't make me mad anymore. Even when I meet unreasonable people now, it doesn't stew in my mind for days. Something changed. I guess it's just getting older or whatever, but it's something that's made my life a whole lot easier.
Nowadays, I just feel sad and feel sorry for them. I wish they could be reasonable so they don't have to get hurt in order to realize they're making a mistake. I wish they wouldn't tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about, but it's ok. Maybe I don't. Maybe they're right. Maybe it'll work out for them.
I'm not mad at them anymore. I just want them, these people I deal with on a daily basis, to be happy. And I hope it all works out for the best.
No comments:
Post a Comment