Things I'll Never Get: Why Communication is Such a Problem

<disclaimer>I'm not trying to give really sound advice here. There is a reason this is titled "Things I'll Never Get" and not "What You All Should Do." This is a rant, mixed with common sense, opinions, and probably illogicality and flaws. If you base your parenting or teenager-ing around this post, then you are not allowed to sue me. So there.
Oh, and no this did not all come from my head. The following comes from several years of advice from people and other sources and watching relationships fall apart.</disclaimer>

<preface> This post could easily turn into another post about romantic relationships, which will only leave me tense and irritated with life. I'm going to try and keep romance out of this as much as possible, because writing is supposed to help me release feelings, not create new ones. </preface>

To me, unless logic comes in to prove me wrong again, the biggest problem with any kind of relationship is communication. Lack thereof always ends badly. Which is probably why distance causes problems so often. Phone calls is not the kind of communication I'm talking about. It's face-to-face. And although I am a huge fan of technology, this is one of the biggest downsides to it. Talking to people face-to-face is the most difficult and inconvenient way of communicating. So as soon as there is a barrier of any kind, people bounce on it. I mean, why would you go through all the trouble to get in the car, waste all that gas, and see your friend when you could just text them? The same reason you use a remote instead of getting up to change the channel manually. Convenience. And when you use optimum convenience to try and maintain a relationship with someone, things can turn sour easily.

Next to romance, I believe that the relationships that lack the most communication are between parent and child. While romantic relationships simply end when they don't work out (physically anyway), you can't "break up" with your parent, so the relationship with them becomes worse and worse to the point where the child doesn't consider that person they live with their parent anymore. Besides their failed romances, the thing I hate teens talking about is how "horrible" their parents are. That is a generalization, I know. There are some parents who really are terrible people, but teenage offspring often talk about actual bad parents in a different way. That is, they don't. Not usually anyway. Real problems remain hidden most of the time. The people that I've met that have bad parents will hardly ever bring them up until I talk to them for a long time about things totally unrelated.

<additional information>There are those teens that as soon as you talk to them they'll say stuff like, "You know, I'm, like, totally abused by my parents, like, all the time." Then you find out the "abuse" they're discussing is how their parents got angry and yelled at them once or they took away their cell phone last week. I'm not talking about those teens.

Or those teens that, once you get them talking, go on and on about how horribly their parents treat them and how depressed they are because of it. Then you find out they aren't depressed at all and just want sympathy and that they really didn't consider you a friend in the first place. I'm not talking about those teens either.

The teens (or any person at all, really) I'm talking about are the ones that seem perfectly content. All the time. Not super-duper happy to the point where you're suspicious, but just content. Then suddenly you find out that their parents are alcoholics and this teen has to care for their four siblings all the time, leaving them emotionally drained. Or something like that. That was not an example of someone I know or anything, although I have met people that as soon as I start asking about their family, or their struggles with parents, they immediately put up a wall of "I don't want to talk about it" and/or "I don't want to worry you." Then when I try and ease it out of them somehow, I get very little information. It's their right not to talk about it and I don't want to get too pushy. But those experiences have led me to the conclusion that when people have actual problems with parents, a lot of times, they don't want to talk about it, and if they do, they talk to the wrong people about them (i.e. someone their age who can't do anything). Those people I cannot help, and it bothers me when they view me as someone who can, and then get offended when I bring up professional help like therapy or something. But to the rest of people who rant about their parents who aren't actually bad people at all I can give sound advice to.</additional information>

Let me just get this out here right now. I wholeheartedly believe this, but just so someone doesn't smash me down, I need to word this properly. In my own experiences, I have found that good communication is the key to every type of relationship. Period. If you think you are doing well in the relationship, talking about it can enforce that. If not, talking about it can help fix the problem. In romance's case, if you think the relationship isn't going to work out, talking about it will give a greater chance of both parties to end on good terms.

Now, I mention good communication because, technically, arguing counts as a form of communication. Especially if you're going to break up with someone, never raise your voice when having a serious talk. There is a greater chance of this not happening if you avoid the Deadly Phrases like "You always" or "You never" in a negative way. Blame is never good. The last thing you want the person to think is that the relationship is falling apart because of something they did (even if you think it's true). Why? Because they may think they can completely change (which normally they can't) and fix everything. Even when it's between a parent and a child, you can't expect complete change (especially from the parent). Think about it: The parent definitely isn't going to change, and by the time the child reaches eighteen or so, they probably aren't either because their personality is pretty much set. Both parties can try and get the other to change, but they probably won't get far. But, not all hope is lost.

Before you go and bash me, saying that you were a brat and you had a complete turnaround or something like that, let me make something clear. To me, there is a difference between changing and improving. Change is simply an alter or modify, while improve is to bring about a more desirable condition. This is what makes all the difference, and where communication comes in. I don't think having a conversation with your child about changing will have as much as an effect on the child's mind as a conversation about improvement will. This does not mean, however, to walk up to your kid and say "I want improvement" and walk away. Remember: Good communication is the key to every type of relationship. This means to be specific and at the same time avoid the Deadly Phrases. I have found this gets your child (or parent) in the right mindset.

Of course, there is one more vital ingredient in order for this to work out. That is maturity. If the parent has a mature conversation about the improvement needed from the child to go on with life in the best manner possible, and the child gets up and leaves in a huff, that isn't going to bring about the wanted results for either party. If the child does find a problem in the said needed improvements, they need to communicate that with their parents in a mature manner. If not, this will only lead to bad communication: arguing. In turn, the parents need to take what the child said into consideration and respond in a likewise mature manner. Then both parties can negotiate, compromise and settle the issue on good terms.

<the point of the blog post>The thing I don't get is why more people don't do this in platonic, romantic, and parental relationships. People shouldn't be as terrified by the words, "We need to talk." I can't say communication is incredibly easy for me and you should be learning from my example. Because texting someone to say I was offended by something they said (which I have done multiple times, sadly) is much easier than talking to them about it face-to-face. So all of the previous words I typed I need to keep in mind as well.</the point of the blog post>

<conclusion>So, really, this isn't one of those "Things I'll Never Get" that doesn't apply to me at all. Let's face it, everyone gets shy. This wasn't supposed to be a rant about "people with no common sense." It applies to everyone, at least some of the time.

It's always the most important things that are the hardest to accomplish. Like, communication and respect. And healthiness. But, the reason I type all these coherent and incoherent sentences was to put this in your mind at least for a little while. Even if you don't do anything about it.

That's what this is here for. </conclusion>

Things I'll Never Get: What is Success?

In order to fully understand this, you need to have an idea of what success is to you. When someone says, "He is a very successful man," what images or ideas is fill you mind? It depends on how you were raised, I suppose. It also depends on what country you live in. But in order to think about this, you need to already have an idea of success in your mind.

When the typical American thinks of a successful person, what usually comes to mind is a financially stable person with a good home and loving family. What I wonder is how many of those people actually exist. I know they're out there, but it seems like a lot of families has one of those aspects but lacks others. For example, financial stability usually requires long working hours for one or both parents. So this could easily mean that the child doesn't get the attention they require. Of course, if the child is older, that required attention goes unnoticed by them. If this older child grows without attention, they grow independently. This would be a good thing, except this child doesn't know it needs attention. Then when the parents want to have a "family day out," they dread it and are miserable the whole time. The parents may or may not know about this feeling the child has. They may try to hard to "make up for lost time," pushing the child further from them in the process, or they could let the child do what he or she wants. This makes the child happy, but now it doesn't have parental guidance because the child no longer wants it. When that is missing, the child goes to other sources for advice. Maybe they are reliable sources. Maybe not. Would this be considered a loving family? Is success reached?

Of course, you can't take the above scenario completely seriously. It is hypothetical. I know for a fact that not all children are totally unstable and are neglected by their parents. The point is, there are fewer and fewer instances of a typical "successful" American family. Looks are deceiving. 

But the ultimate question is: What is success?

All throughout my years in school, the first thing teachers tell you to do is follow your dreams, stand up for what you believe, etc. The funny thing is, is that as I got older, I realized my teachers had already picked my dreams and beliefs out for me.


Belief Number One: Money is essential.
Dream Number One: I want money.


Belief Number Two: A well-paying job is essential.
Dream Number Two: I must use my money to go through years of college to get this job.

Belief Number Three: Owning a nice house is essential.
Dream Number Three: I must save lots of my money from my well-paying job to get this nice house.

I didn't really see what the big deal was. Was any of it wrong? No. But I had different goals for myself. I was raised to think that what I want to do with my life is my decision. I never really understood why anything different than the above beliefs and dreams was considered a "waste of life" by some people. Is it so wrong?

This comes to the part that I don't get. Society is so hypocritical. Why in the world would you tell children to follow their dreams and do what they believe is right when you clearly already have the idea of "right" in your mind? And if these children decide to go against what you think is right, then it is suddenly wrong, which completely goes against what you just told them.

Perhaps I'm being too judgmental, I probably am. Usually what happens when I get worked up over something is I start venting to a person who thinks logically (pretty much anyone) and they find a hole in my logic and my rant fizzles out into oblivion, and I am left looking stupid. Still, I'd rather be stupid and informed later than being stupid and ignorant my entire life. I've met people who are like that. It's not a pretty sight. Especially since I occasionally meet the ignorant guy who thinks he is so much more right than you and spends his time debating something he clearly doesn't know anything about. Then when you prove him wrong, he refuses to believe it. Yeah, I really don't want to be that person.

Hypocrisy gets me all riled up I suppose. Although I would think I'd be used to it by now.

Things I'll Never Get: This is Why I Don't Date Yet

I love this xkcd comic. Totally true.

I walk into my school, and one my friends runs up to me, happy and beaming. I smile too, just because she is. She opens her mouth and shrieks, "I have the most exciting news!"


"What is it?" I ask excitedly.


"[Boy #6] asked me out! We're a couple now! I'm, like, so excited."


My face falls. Here we go again, I think.

Yes, though I have never dated before, I'm starting to pick up a pattern on how this whole "teen love" thingy works. Fortunately, most of my friends don't go on about the boys they like, but those who do I only pretend to care. I'm not about to say, "He has a girlfriend, he'll never like you!" or "Him? Really? He's ignorant and stupid!"

They usually find out for themselves.

I certainly have nothing against guys or anything. It's just that the girls I know tend to go for guys they won't ever get. I am not able to grasp this concept without having frustration boil through me. I would be less angry about it if the situation tended to work out more, but it usually doesn't. I think my face is permanently scarred from all the facepalms I have done over the years, even before high school.

This whole "love" thing leads to many mistakes that I have observed. These mistakes usually involve something along the lines of heartbreak, betrayal, pain, suffering, all those wonderful things. One of the biggest blunders I've seen is them going back to the same person who hurt them before. Let's make one thing clear: People lie. A lot.

I'm not saying everybody who says they've changed is lying, but sometimes they think they've changed, but they haven't really at all.

Now, this mostly applies to girls. I'm wondering how guys act in the ways of high school dating. Girls tend to be more dramatic when it comes to heartbreak. What do supposedly "tough guys" do who are "supposed" to hide their feelings all the time? Do they feel pain this way? Please let me know...

Before I go, I just wanted to make sure you were clear on my thinking of how this whole dating thing ends up a lot of the time, at least when I'm around. So here, have a chart:

Am I missing anything?

Let me know if this seems inaccurate. I'd believe you more if you are single at the moment and not going through Phase 1 at the moment.

I've lost sleep over this concept. I just don't understand it.