Everyone likes compliments. The problem comes after the compliment is said. What is to be said in response? "Thank you" might suffice, and it usually does. However, some compliments are so large, so misplaced, or so unexpected, it's hard to know what to say.
Whether you're the giver of this large compliment or the receiver, both are awkward. For instance, a complete stranger called me beautiful once. Compliments regarding physical appearance are almost always fine. Normal even. I think it was the term "beautiful." I don't know why, but that made me uncomfortable. She was uncomfortable too, like she just realized what she said. She backed her compliment up with "...And I'm not strange!" Maybe I felt so weird about it because I felt it was an overstatement. The only reason I looked so nice was because I was in a blue dress I know I look good in. I was trying to look good that day. It would have been better to comment on the dress, which is what normally happens when I wear it. Instead of saying thank you, I just kinda giggled, and didn't say anything. Maybe I should have been more grateful or whatever, I don't know. It was just weird.
On the contrary, I can completely understand why she said that to me. I've passed by women on the street that are so gorgeous, I have to suppress my urge to say something to them. I've also met some extremely attractive male cashiers, and I know I can't say anything because it'd be weird. So I just smile and sometimes blush. I really want to tell them how good they look, in case they don't know it themselves, but I can't. It would just make both of us uncomfortable.
Then there are compliments that aren't about physical advantages. The ones in which there's no question about their sincerity. The ones that are, in my opinion, the most awkward compliments of all time if said by the wrong person at the wrong time. When someone you don't know that well tells you you're smart. When someone you just met mentions how friendly you are to others. When someone who you view as an acquaintance says they love your company. These are the ones that are the most meaningful (and most likely true), yet I usually tense up if I receive a compliment like that. "Thank you" doesn't seem good enough. I usually feel the need to compliment them back, as if I owe it to them or something. But I never have the courage to give them back, so I just regurgitate what they said to me and apply it to them, which always comes across as insincere. I'm afraid that genuine compliments of that magnitude will scare people away if I voice them too quickly.
Of course, for me the awkwardness comes from the people I don't know well. I'm comfortable giving and receiving all types of compliments from people I already feel close to. The words just come out naturally. It's not a big deal. They are simply kind words that help the friendship grow. I want to compliment them. It's necessary in a good friendship.
Sometimes, though, the weighty compliments are misplaced. For instance, someone may believe you're the smartest person on the planet, but you know for a fact you're not. But this person tells you that you are, and you cannot convince them otherwise. You're not being humble, it simply isn't true. That's really awkward, especially if they keep talking about it.
I don't think there's really a perfect answer when you receive a genuine, significant compliment about your personality or what you do well. "Thank you" always works, and always will work. When I give meaningful compliments to people, I don't expect to say anything significant back. I definitely don't want them to compliment me back, because that seems insincere (even though I do the same thing, shut up).
There's not really any conclusion or realization here. It's just a topic I find interesting. I have noticed that compliments become much more specific as you get older. Actually, so does criticism. But that's another topic entirely.
Whether you're the giver of this large compliment or the receiver, both are awkward. For instance, a complete stranger called me beautiful once. Compliments regarding physical appearance are almost always fine. Normal even. I think it was the term "beautiful." I don't know why, but that made me uncomfortable. She was uncomfortable too, like she just realized what she said. She backed her compliment up with "...And I'm not strange!" Maybe I felt so weird about it because I felt it was an overstatement. The only reason I looked so nice was because I was in a blue dress I know I look good in. I was trying to look good that day. It would have been better to comment on the dress, which is what normally happens when I wear it. Instead of saying thank you, I just kinda giggled, and didn't say anything. Maybe I should have been more grateful or whatever, I don't know. It was just weird.
On the contrary, I can completely understand why she said that to me. I've passed by women on the street that are so gorgeous, I have to suppress my urge to say something to them. I've also met some extremely attractive male cashiers, and I know I can't say anything because it'd be weird. So I just smile and sometimes blush. I really want to tell them how good they look, in case they don't know it themselves, but I can't. It would just make both of us uncomfortable.
Then there are compliments that aren't about physical advantages. The ones in which there's no question about their sincerity. The ones that are, in my opinion, the most awkward compliments of all time if said by the wrong person at the wrong time. When someone you don't know that well tells you you're smart. When someone you just met mentions how friendly you are to others. When someone who you view as an acquaintance says they love your company. These are the ones that are the most meaningful (and most likely true), yet I usually tense up if I receive a compliment like that. "Thank you" doesn't seem good enough. I usually feel the need to compliment them back, as if I owe it to them or something. But I never have the courage to give them back, so I just regurgitate what they said to me and apply it to them, which always comes across as insincere. I'm afraid that genuine compliments of that magnitude will scare people away if I voice them too quickly.
Of course, for me the awkwardness comes from the people I don't know well. I'm comfortable giving and receiving all types of compliments from people I already feel close to. The words just come out naturally. It's not a big deal. They are simply kind words that help the friendship grow. I want to compliment them. It's necessary in a good friendship.
Sometimes, though, the weighty compliments are misplaced. For instance, someone may believe you're the smartest person on the planet, but you know for a fact you're not. But this person tells you that you are, and you cannot convince them otherwise. You're not being humble, it simply isn't true. That's really awkward, especially if they keep talking about it.
I don't think there's really a perfect answer when you receive a genuine, significant compliment about your personality or what you do well. "Thank you" always works, and always will work. When I give meaningful compliments to people, I don't expect to say anything significant back. I definitely don't want them to compliment me back, because that seems insincere (even though I do the same thing, shut up).
There's not really any conclusion or realization here. It's just a topic I find interesting. I have noticed that compliments become much more specific as you get older. Actually, so does criticism. But that's another topic entirely.
I too have struggled most my life with "compliments." In my younger years, my face would turn as red as a tomato, and for some reason I felt compelled to always down play a compliment. With a "this old thing, I've had it for years," or "right, give me a break, I look like something the cats drug in the kittens wouldn't eat," was two of many downplayed comebacks of mine, whenever 'paid' a compliment. I think the key word here is "paid"...as If I were owed. :)
ReplyDeleteYou write well Michaela. Now, if Mark Twain were to say that to you, I am sure you'd be at a loss for words (not just 'cause he's dead). And you are beautiful, again, if lets say this years top model were to say that to you, you may be at a loss for words. Sometimes, a genuine smile in return is all one can muster, I think that in itself speaks plenty in words, where we can not find them. I believe too, most all compliments are genuinely given. Most always too, a warm smile in return, or/and a 'Thank you" is enough.
I'm still learning...there is even room for a genuine smile and/or thank you when given constructive criticisms. I think, the key is to not try to decipher genuine from not genuine...ulterior motive etc..In the givers mind, they see it as they see it, we learn a lot in knowing what others think regardless if we choose to believe all or any of it, or say it for whatever reason. They don't need to know that we may have doubt in their sincerity or their motives. And, a smile reveals little of what we may be thinking, it's a 'safe' reply at the very least, and to the genuine, usually always enough. You ARE beautiful, believe it! :) I love you, G'Ma T.