My Observations

There were so many people there. Over three hundred. That was a pleasant surprise. Actually, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it was reassuring to see how much this beautiful girl is loved. It's unfortunate that many don't see how many people care for them until it's too late. In Mandy's case, though, she knew that she had amazing family and friends that love her very much.

It wasn't as sad as I thought it was going to be. The talk was uplifting in a way, since it's main theme was the Bible's hope for the future and how we're all going to see her again. Of course, there were parts about Mandy at the beginning and end that made everyone start to miss her all over again, but overall it was rather positive.

Honestly, I wish I got to meet her. I think I would have liked her a lot. She liked books more than I do. She definitely loved Jehovah. We would have had some amazingly hilarious discussions. But I'll see her someday, so it's okay. Well...no it's not. Not really. But it's the new reality now, which is tragic and unfortunate and takes a long time to adjust to. No one wants to adjust to it, it's just what the world expects (which is pretty selfish of the world, in my opinion). The world doesn't stop to grieve with you, but that's what a support system is for. The ones that stop their world for you to try and understand the pain you're going through.

That's what I'm trying to do. I'm simply an innocent bystander trying to help. I have no idea what my friends are experiencing and, although I'd never wish harm on my loved ones, I wish I could fully understand the shock of having their Mandy yanked away from them in an instant. If I can help them in the tiniest way, I'll be happy. I'm not old enough to have wise words of wisdom that greatly affect their lives. I'm one of the many people that are helping them. My presence is all I have, unfortunately. But all those articles I've read about grieving and helping friends who are grieving say that I'm doing the right thing so...ok. Here I am then.

But this isn't about me. It's about her and the ones that miss her dearly. I wish I could articulate this better. I'm usually good at this. This is one of those situations, I suppose, where words can't properly describe anything that's going on right now. The people around me on Friday were hurting, and all I could do was watch. I can't describe the looks on their faces, they were all different. Some were embracing the closest friend they could find and not letting go. Some had red eyes. Some had tears. Others did not. With all these different reactions, though, not one of them was abnormal or incorrect. Everyone has a unique brain that's being forced to process this pain in it's own way.

We aren't supposed to have to deal with a tragedy this great. Hearts weren't designed to be broken. Lives weren't meant to be lost. It's not supposed to hurt like this. That's why we need that everlasting hope. I'm sure that pondering on that helps with the loss a lot. Maybe.

Right now it might just hurt. Right now the hope might not matter because she's gone. She's gone now. It's awful. It's terrible. It's sad. I could feel the devastation in the room on Friday. I just wish I could help more. But these are all strong people. With the inevitable support they'll have from family and friends and, of course, Jehovah, I know they'll make it through this. Eventually.

I'm not trying to pretend I know what this feels like. I know this post isn't doing her justice. I'm just an observer, and these are my observations.

What it comes down to is this: It's clear that Mandy is deeply loved by many people. She will truly be missed. We all look forward to seeing her again.

Senior Year: First Month-ish

All right, I admit. The only reason I've been blogging for three days in a row is because I'm sick and have nothing else to do. Surprisingly, TV does get boring after awhile. But here is an update on school so far (stuff I didn't mention on my other post).

First of all, I got an A- on my summer assignment!! Woot! I am so proud of myself because I worked really hard on it. I love AP Lit so much. It's my favorite class this year. Sorry, Sno-Isle. It's been a good run, but constantly working in groups is not really my thing. We can still be friends though, right? Sno-Isle?

Oh well. Today I learned that our project in Sno-Isle is due Monday, which is a huge relief. My group didn't make much progress today. In all honesty though, it's not like I'm the shining beacon of responsibility and I always get things done. Today would have been a slack-off day, especially since Snohomish leaves early. An hour early to be exact. The important thing is that we finish, and I'm fairly certain we will. Come on, though, it's only the second project of the year, I'm sure we'll get better. No, my teacher (Tory) is not the type to force us to stay in one group all year, I choose to stay with them. Why? Well, it's definitely not their work ethic. Haha. I stay with them because I would get bored rather quickly if all we did was work. When I get a real job, sarcasm will probably be scarce, so I'm savoring it while I can. If you ask them why they're staying in the group, though, I honestly have no idea what they'll say. It's not because of me, I know that. Actually, if any one of us left the group, none of us would stop them. I mean, they're a bunch of guys and that means it's all logic and no emotion. I might miss them if they leave the group, but I'm the emotion. Just ask, they'll tell you. So I think it's the whole group that makes everyone stick together. Wow, that sounds incredibly cheesy, but what other reason is there? None of them are reading this (probably) and they aren't about to stop me randomly and say "Let me tell you all the things that make this group so amazing and why we haven't abandoned you." That's my job. I constantly tell them how great they're doing. Or how not so great they're doing. I don't know why, because it's not like it helps them any. But as team leader I'd feel weird if I was "that team leader" who constantly told everyone how bad they were doing and that all the work they did wasn't good enough. But I also don't want to be "that team leader" who literally sits there silently without giving any instruction. Wait...I've actually done that. But that was because of my cold and I was incredibly exhausted. I know, I know, I'm making excuses, but I seriously don't want to do that again. I've discovered that if I'm not working, they don't progress as well, just because it is a group effort after all.

The nice thing about working with guys in this age group is that none of them start bugging me about not working unless they're teasing me. Trust me, I've heard some girls (including me) get really mad about that one person on their group who didn't do anything. Heck, I've ranted about this group to my friends. But after working with them for a little bit, I realized that none of them actually want to fail. None of them actually like seeing me flip out on them either (which I have done three or four times. Not recently though). There have been people who enjoy seeing me flip out. If these guys were like that, I would dislike them all. Me being mad is amusing (because it's so unlike me), but they aren't trying to make me mad, which I appreciate. It's not just any group after all. It's my group.

Ok, now I'm sounding to much like a mom (that happens quite often, no joke) so I'm going try not to think about the last day of senior year when it hits me I'll never see them again. I'm dreading that day. I'm not going to cry, that's a fact. First of all, I've never cried at school before (except in 4th grade when I had a really bad ear infection). Secondly, a lot of my friends are guys, and not only do none of them want to see me get emotional, but they aren't going to be emotional. Nothing. Zilch. I'm starting to see why so many romantic relationships don't work out in high school because girls don't realize that just because guys don't act as happy as the girl does in the relationship, it doesn't mean the guy doesn't care. Boys and girls are different. But I have girlish tendencies too. Somewhere in the back of my head are my emotions telling me that if a guy friend doesn't scream "I'll miss you!" on the brink of tears directly to me, then maybe he doesn't actually care. Of course that isn't true. But those are consistent thoughts that go through my head on the last day of school. "Are they going to miss me at all?" And if they say they'll miss me, that never works because they have to be all emotional about, like we're dating or something. Realistically, if one of them did do that to me, it'd be weird and awkward and I'd question our relationship throughout the year (we were just friends, right?).

Sometimes I hate being a girl that loves people so much. It takes me longer to get over things. So I'll have to force myself to not keep in contact with any of my friends (except Hayley and a couple exceptions) because if I don't the "drifting apart" will take too long, which always makes it worse. It's high school. You're supposed to make friends you'll never see again. But imagine if we were launched into a workplace right away and had never had a close friend before. We would either make the wrong ones because we don't know what we like, or isolate ourselves and be lonely the rest of our lives. I'm pathetic, I know. I've already started planning out what I want to say in other people's yearbooks. It's the first month of school.

"And here on the left, you'll see First Street, the home of our popular antique shops and shows. Wait...what's that? Oh, it's Michaela being nostalgic again. GO HOME!"

 "But...but I don't want to! I'll never see them again!"

"You graduated twenty years ago! Get off the street corner! You look ridiculous."

"I want to go back! Let me go back!"

"Oh no. Quick! Someone grab the time machine before she gets to it first!"

See, it's funny because we don't have tour guides in Snohomish. The town is much too small and boring. But I still love this town, and this state for that matter. What can I say, I'm a sucker for rain. But I'll blog about rain later. That post will be much shorter, I promise.

Wait..I just realized this was supposed to be about school. I get on the topic of Sno-Isle and it all goes haywire. Great.

"Hello. My name is Michaela...and I am nostalgic..."

"Hi Michaela..."

I should consider joining NA (Nostalgics Anonymous). There's quite a confusion because NA already stands for Not Applicable. Not many people know about it.

Anyway, I need to leave before I become a hot nostalgic mess and this blog post becomes really long.

Oh wait...

Things I'll Never Get: This is Why I Don't Date Yet

I love this xkcd comic. Totally true.

I walk into my school, and one my friends runs up to me, happy and beaming. I smile too, just because she is. She opens her mouth and shrieks, "I have the most exciting news!"


"What is it?" I ask excitedly.


"[Boy #6] asked me out! We're a couple now! I'm, like, so excited."


My face falls. Here we go again, I think.

Yes, though I have never dated before, I'm starting to pick up a pattern on how this whole "teen love" thingy works. Fortunately, most of my friends don't go on about the boys they like, but those who do I only pretend to care. I'm not about to say, "He has a girlfriend, he'll never like you!" or "Him? Really? He's ignorant and stupid!"

They usually find out for themselves.

I certainly have nothing against guys or anything. It's just that the girls I know tend to go for guys they won't ever get. I am not able to grasp this concept without having frustration boil through me. I would be less angry about it if the situation tended to work out more, but it usually doesn't. I think my face is permanently scarred from all the facepalms I have done over the years, even before high school.

This whole "love" thing leads to many mistakes that I have observed. These mistakes usually involve something along the lines of heartbreak, betrayal, pain, suffering, all those wonderful things. One of the biggest blunders I've seen is them going back to the same person who hurt them before. Let's make one thing clear: People lie. A lot.

I'm not saying everybody who says they've changed is lying, but sometimes they think they've changed, but they haven't really at all.

Now, this mostly applies to girls. I'm wondering how guys act in the ways of high school dating. Girls tend to be more dramatic when it comes to heartbreak. What do supposedly "tough guys" do who are "supposed" to hide their feelings all the time? Do they feel pain this way? Please let me know...

Before I go, I just wanted to make sure you were clear on my thinking of how this whole dating thing ends up a lot of the time, at least when I'm around. So here, have a chart:

Am I missing anything?

Let me know if this seems inaccurate. I'd believe you more if you are single at the moment and not going through Phase 1 at the moment.

I've lost sleep over this concept. I just don't understand it.