My Observations

There were so many people there. Over three hundred. That was a pleasant surprise. Actually, I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but it was reassuring to see how much this beautiful girl is loved. It's unfortunate that many don't see how many people care for them until it's too late. In Mandy's case, though, she knew that she had amazing family and friends that love her very much.

It wasn't as sad as I thought it was going to be. The talk was uplifting in a way, since it's main theme was the Bible's hope for the future and how we're all going to see her again. Of course, there were parts about Mandy at the beginning and end that made everyone start to miss her all over again, but overall it was rather positive.

Honestly, I wish I got to meet her. I think I would have liked her a lot. She liked books more than I do. She definitely loved Jehovah. We would have had some amazingly hilarious discussions. But I'll see her someday, so it's okay. Well...no it's not. Not really. But it's the new reality now, which is tragic and unfortunate and takes a long time to adjust to. No one wants to adjust to it, it's just what the world expects (which is pretty selfish of the world, in my opinion). The world doesn't stop to grieve with you, but that's what a support system is for. The ones that stop their world for you to try and understand the pain you're going through.

That's what I'm trying to do. I'm simply an innocent bystander trying to help. I have no idea what my friends are experiencing and, although I'd never wish harm on my loved ones, I wish I could fully understand the shock of having their Mandy yanked away from them in an instant. If I can help them in the tiniest way, I'll be happy. I'm not old enough to have wise words of wisdom that greatly affect their lives. I'm one of the many people that are helping them. My presence is all I have, unfortunately. But all those articles I've read about grieving and helping friends who are grieving say that I'm doing the right thing so...ok. Here I am then.

But this isn't about me. It's about her and the ones that miss her dearly. I wish I could articulate this better. I'm usually good at this. This is one of those situations, I suppose, where words can't properly describe anything that's going on right now. The people around me on Friday were hurting, and all I could do was watch. I can't describe the looks on their faces, they were all different. Some were embracing the closest friend they could find and not letting go. Some had red eyes. Some had tears. Others did not. With all these different reactions, though, not one of them was abnormal or incorrect. Everyone has a unique brain that's being forced to process this pain in it's own way.

We aren't supposed to have to deal with a tragedy this great. Hearts weren't designed to be broken. Lives weren't meant to be lost. It's not supposed to hurt like this. That's why we need that everlasting hope. I'm sure that pondering on that helps with the loss a lot. Maybe.

Right now it might just hurt. Right now the hope might not matter because she's gone. She's gone now. It's awful. It's terrible. It's sad. I could feel the devastation in the room on Friday. I just wish I could help more. But these are all strong people. With the inevitable support they'll have from family and friends and, of course, Jehovah, I know they'll make it through this. Eventually.

I'm not trying to pretend I know what this feels like. I know this post isn't doing her justice. I'm just an observer, and these are my observations.

What it comes down to is this: It's clear that Mandy is deeply loved by many people. She will truly be missed. We all look forward to seeing her again.

Grown Up Realizations: I'm Not Mad Anymore

I have this theory that if I didn't know how to control my emotions and didn't have an understanding as to why bad things happen, I'd be temperamental. I'd be angry a lot. Let's face it, people are infuriating. Unreasonableness and dogma is impossible to avoid, even amongst friends. I've felt it before. Everyone has, I'm sure. I think that if I didn't know how to handle other people's unreasonableness, I'd just be a fireball of rage constantly.

It used to bother me for days. It used to bother me for weeks. I guess I've always had a hard time letting things go, but problems were pretty minor in elementary and middle school. It's when I reached high school that people acted like morons and actually hurt themselves and others around them. I hated it, because I could always see it coming.

Maybe I'm being to vague. Here's an example. Once upon a time, I was a friends with a girl who loved dating. She was basically boy-crazy. She would flirt with any boy she liked, whether she was currently dating or not. Eventually, inevitably, she had boy trouble. I was still at the point in my life where I felt obligated to help others, so I gave her advice. Lots and lots of advice. It was completely reasonable, and she always agreed I was right. But she always ignored it. She would tell me she wished she could like me, since I had no boy problems whatsoever (at least, not at that time). I insisted that she could, but she still didn't listen. Then she'd get dumped or break up with a boy, and be all sad and upset. I could come in and help her grieve. Then she'd get back with the same guy a month later, insisting that he changed. Lather, rinse, repeat. We drifted. Every time I saw her, she was really nice, but always with a different guy and eventually I realized her problems weren't worth my time.

After we drifted but before I came to that reasonable conclusion, I was extremely angry. I'm not sure what I was angry at, but I was angry every time I saw her walk down the hall with a new boy. I was furious when I found out she was, at one point, dating someone who was twenty-five. Honestly, this rage was really misguided because it was never my business to begin with. I was disappointed in her, even though we weren't best friends or anything. I was angry at the fact she thought she couldn't help it. If she just accepted that having a different boyfriend every month was just who she was, maybe I wouldn't have been so upset. What bothered me so much was the fact that she kept making the same mistakes over and over again, then complaining about them. Mistakes that could have been prevented. I was so mad at her whole situation. I would talk myself into a frenzy just thinking about it. Why wouldn't she just listen to me?! I'm SO right! I know I'm right! I have no experience dating and I know more about the lies that guys tell girls than she does! I'm right I'm right I'm right! ARRRGGHHH!

Eventually, though, I got over it. It was one of the first experiences I had in "getting over" something. Given enough time, it stopped making me want to throw something. I came to the slow, gradual realization that it was her life and her decision and there was absolutely nothing I could have done to change her mind. Since I cared about her, I wouldn't even say she was being stupid. Her heart was involved, it was emotional decisions. She may have acted like she wanted logic and reason, but her heart was already made up. The heart is treacherous and desperate.

So, after that whole thing, I thought I was done. HA. Not even close. It kept happening again. And again. And again. With different friends and different scenarios. I thought I was more mature after I got over the flirty, boy-crazy girl. I wasn't. Every single time it happened, I would get really angry. School stress played a factor, obviously, but it was mostly WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE THAT I'M RIGHT!? I would come home and spend hours talking to myself, saying things I should tell them over and over, and then never actually doing it. My whole body would become tense. I also couldn't sleep if I let myself start ranting about it shortly before bed. I'd get all fired up and have nowhere to put my angry energy.

It got pretty bad at the end of senior year. Eventually I was mad at everyone. I really wanted to escape the sea of morons I was surrounded. My friends didn't appreciate those comments, but I stopped caring. (Most) of the ones I associated with on a regular basis were pretty reasonable. The vast majority weren't.

Then I graduated. Yay! I'm all done now, right? WRONG. I don't know why I thought I would escape unreasonable people, especially since a big part of my day consists of knocking on the doors of strangers.

The unreasonable people I knew in high school still bothered me for months after graduating. Mostly because I couldn't say "I told you so" and all that. Any time I would get a chance to rant about it, I would take it. Which would make me mad again. Then I'd meet dogmatic people in the ministry and ARRGHH! People make me so ANGRY! I would never get angry to their face. It would always pop in later.

Just like everything else, though, I got over it. I don't know how or why, but when I think about all the things people did in high school that made me mad, it doesn't make me mad anymore. Even when I meet unreasonable people now, it doesn't stew in my mind for days. Something changed. I guess it's just getting older or whatever, but it's something that's made my life a whole lot easier.

Nowadays, I just feel sad and feel sorry for them. I wish they could be reasonable so they don't have to get hurt in order to realize they're making a mistake. I wish they wouldn't tell me that I don't know what I'm talking about, but it's ok. Maybe I don't. Maybe they're right. Maybe it'll work out for them.

I'm not mad at them anymore. I just want them, these people I deal with on a daily basis, to be happy. And I hope it all works out for the best.

Grown Up Realizations: What the Word "Friend" Means

I have understood for a while now that the term “friend” is used pretty casually to spare feelings. It’s much easier to introduce someone as “my friend…” instead of “my acquaintance….” The problem this creates, though, is not knowing what category you honestly fall under, and if the category is mutual. It’s incredibly awkward when you realize someone views you as a close friend, and you feel like you’re only acquaintances, and it can be devastating being in the vise versa situation. I’ve been in both, and I think I’m more empathetic toward the other person now, no matter the situation. I realize now that relationships build gradually, and sometimes one person feels a bond or chemistry that the other doesn’t. That’s more of a high school realization though. That’s not what this is about.

The realization I’ve had more recently is that over time, the definition to the word “friend” changes drastically. I realize that there’s exceptions to everything and everyone’s lives are different. The following is not generally speaking, it’s mostly personal definitions.

Elementary School: Thinking back, I had several “best friends” in elementary school. Who were these girls? The girls in my class that accepted the request to play with me. If I played games with them enough times in a row, they were a friend. If I played games with them consistently for a whole school year or more...BOOM! Best friends. Boys were not included, not at first anyway, because boys were weird.

We didn’t talk about anything in our personal lives. I couldn’t have told you ten facts about these girls. Meeting some of them again in high school was mostly nostalgic. Quickly we both realized by then that the friendship was based on nothing more than extended communication and meaningless elementary school games. But that’s ok, because that’s how friends were supposed to be for the most part.

In elementary school I developed a basic understanding of what good friends did and what bad friends did. Good friends played with me no matter what, even if they thought the game was stupid. Good friends shared their dessert and traded lunches. Bad friends ignored me when I talked to them. Bad friends ditched me for someone else.

Even in late elementary school, my definition had changed a little bit. I actually had conversations with the girls I knew. We mostly talked about boys though. Boys were included in the friend circle, even though they were still mostly weird in my opinion. I think I only included the ones that had crushes on me. I never noticed that before, but it’s totally true. If a boy called me pretty (either through a note or a mutual friend because no one ever did these things face to face) then I immediately started hanging out with them at recess. Who else did I talk about with the girls? By sixth grade, good friends let you rant about cute boys, and bad friends told the cute boys you were talking about them.

Middle school: Sometimes friends are grandfathered in from elementary school so the relationship can continue to grow. A lot aren’t.

My friends in middle school were the ones I had classes with and ate lunch with. They had to be as immature I was, or else they were boring to me. I don’t know about anyone else, but laughing became a very important part of my friendships during that time. If I couldn’t laugh with a person, they were not my friend. And I laughed a lot in middle school. I blushed a lot too, actually.

In middle school, the conversations were (slightly) less about boys and more about school and how much it sucked. We talked more about our unique interests. I didn’t have any. I was interested in whatever I thought would make me cool. We mostly talked about homework, and what we did on the weekends. The friendships back then meant a little bit more, because association outside of school was more common amongst students.

I learned more about good and bad friends. Good friends didn’t tell me I was blushing (I know I’m blushing!). Good friends saw past the incredibly ugly pink, sparkly coat that I wore to school every single day that was filthy because I didn’t know coats could be washed. Oh, boys were more included my friend circle. Good boy friends had to be cute or funny, to me. Otherwise I didn’t pay attention. Wasn’t I nice?

High school: This is when everything changed. Not for me, for everyone. Suddenly, good friends could become a lot closer since problems encountered in high school could potentially be quite serious and stressful. This is when the line between acquaintances and friends became much clearer. There were a lot of people I knew all throughout middle and high school that I never considered close friends. “School friends” is what I called them. Those were classmates that I had classes with and I liked being around and talking to, but I really knew nothing about. Actually knowing the person became important in high school. Common interests were important in order to have anything to talk about.

Conversations could be about almost anything. I stopped talking about boys because I didn’t date whilst in school, so there’d be no point. Boy talks were only to pressure girls to date the boy in the conversation. My conversations were mostly with boys by junior year, because I realized I was most myself talking with them. It was weird, actually, I had a hard time having real conversations with girls. I knew they were out there, I just couldn’t find very many. I think I can name three girls now that I could regularly have somewhat serious conversations with in high school. That means we didn’t talk about ourselves, or complain, or mention anything about clothes or makeup. Our conversations were past small talk.

The things I learned about good friends in high school were mostly things I had to learn personally, not traits my good school friends already had. But they’re still important. Good friends listened and gave advice when necessary. Good friends were the voice of reason, but only when needed. Good friends were honest, yet tactful. Bad friends spread rumors. Bad friends didn’t have anything good to say about anything I did. So, pretty much, high school was when I learned the basic definition of an adult friend. Someone who’s meant to stick around, not just someone I would hang out with during school hours.

Adulthood: This is the definition that probably takes almost an entire lifetime to figure out, because it’s impossible to describe with words.

I can’t put traits in this section, because I haven’t figured out yet. But these are the friends that stick “closer than a brother,” according to Proverbs. These are the friendships that take years to develop. I haven’t lived long enough to determine my definition. I do know, though, that a good friend in adulthood is supposed to go through bad times with me, or something like that. Conversations can be deeply personal, or even confidential, but also light hearted and funny. Close friends are supposed to see me vulnerable at some point. This must be why a lot of people consider their parents or their spouse as their closest friend. Parents and spouses see everything, but stick around. Parents are obligated to care for a child, but not to be friends with them, necessarily.

There are people in my life now that I feel very close to, so maybe these are the best friends that everyone talks about. But I can’t know that right now. I need to grow up more first.

Now, though, I understand why best friends are rare. Because sometimes no one sticks around. That’s sad to me, but it’s on a long list of things I can’t do anything about, so I try not to think about it.

I think the only reason I’m thinking deeply about this is because I went to a funeral today. It was huge and very crowded. Everyone there cared about the person that died, obviously. But I wonder how many of the people there he would have considered to be his very close friends. I wonder if he’d be surprised by how many people came.

Sometimes I think people forget how many friends they have, because sometimes you don’t know until you need one. Then again, though, is someone really a friend if they only show they care when you’re in distress? Is someone really a good friend if they only care after you’re gone?

I don’t know. There’s so many things I have yet to find out. It’s almost as if I have to wait for something bad to happen to me, and see who shows up. I hope to look back on this post in a couple decades and see if I’ve found the answer.

Rain, rain, don't go away!

Since I am a person who just brought groceries in the house from the pouring rain, I have every right to say I love the rain.

So very much.

Thus brings us to the "rain" post. Rain is just one of those things that you can't describe unless you've been in it. It's not just a form of precipitation. It's an experience.

Water adds drama/romance to everything. Why are all fight/make out scenes in the rain? When you think about it, fighting and kissing are opposite actions. You can't do one while thinking about the other. Could you imagine?

"All right. Time to fight Daredevil. Hmm...maybe we should kiss later..."

Was the Kingpin thinking that? I don't think so. If he was...well...let's move on.

Rain is depressing sometimes. A lot of the time in movies, it's raining during the funeral scenes. It represents sadness for the most part. Water droplets make everything look dramatic. Then again, that's why people kiss in it.

I suppose rain is the movie's natural irony. Kissing in the rain seems silly, but almost every girl I know dreams of doing just that. Yeah right. Girls, the movies are fake, you know that right? It seems like a cute idea, then you do it and you're freezing because you've been in the rain too long. Then your hair gets frizzy and you can't see if you have glasses. If it's cold enough your nose will start running.  Also, no relationship should be based on the girl's fantasies. Or the boy's for that matter. But I digress. If you're reading this, though, you should be used to that.

As I was saying, I think having happy occurrences in the rain is supposed to be ironic. It's like the movie is saying, "See? Rain doesn't have to make things so sad after all!" I love how rain looks (I could watch the rain fall for a long time) but what's even better is how it feels.

When I was outside just now, I had my Sno-Isle sweatshirt on because it was warm and had a hood. I love the rain, but not the cold. I flipped the hood up, stepped outside, and immediately took my hood down. The feel of rain is the best experience. Besides, if I had my hood on, I couldn't hear it well enough.

Ok, these are dewdrops on my mom's rose. But the
principle is the same!

There's too many people I know that despise the rain. This one girl I knew last year would remind me how much she hated the rain, every time it rained. In Washington, it's a common occurrence. But that didn't stop us from having a puddle-splashing fight. By the end, we were soaked and laughing our heads off. She literally had to wring her socks out. I think I was wearing my boots that day, so my socks were dry.

Speaking of boots, rain means I get to wear my boots! My jean cuffs get soaked but who cares? I have cute shoes on!

Most people I know that hate the rain don't like it because of the wetness aspect. They don't like the feeling of their hair getting wetter every time a droplet falls on their head. I don't see what the problem is. That's my favorite part.

Watch this gorgeous girl lip-syncing in the "rain." You'll understand the quotation marks if you watch it. I'm not giving anything away. I will say that it is not a scare video. I hate those. I've watched this four times already in the last hour. I love it.

Nanalew - SAIL Music Video

But I've said too much already. Talking about rain tends to ruin the experience.

Enjoy the rain! You better not stay inside!

Senior Year: First Month-ish

All right, I admit. The only reason I've been blogging for three days in a row is because I'm sick and have nothing else to do. Surprisingly, TV does get boring after awhile. But here is an update on school so far (stuff I didn't mention on my other post).

First of all, I got an A- on my summer assignment!! Woot! I am so proud of myself because I worked really hard on it. I love AP Lit so much. It's my favorite class this year. Sorry, Sno-Isle. It's been a good run, but constantly working in groups is not really my thing. We can still be friends though, right? Sno-Isle?

Oh well. Today I learned that our project in Sno-Isle is due Monday, which is a huge relief. My group didn't make much progress today. In all honesty though, it's not like I'm the shining beacon of responsibility and I always get things done. Today would have been a slack-off day, especially since Snohomish leaves early. An hour early to be exact. The important thing is that we finish, and I'm fairly certain we will. Come on, though, it's only the second project of the year, I'm sure we'll get better. No, my teacher (Tory) is not the type to force us to stay in one group all year, I choose to stay with them. Why? Well, it's definitely not their work ethic. Haha. I stay with them because I would get bored rather quickly if all we did was work. When I get a real job, sarcasm will probably be scarce, so I'm savoring it while I can. If you ask them why they're staying in the group, though, I honestly have no idea what they'll say. It's not because of me, I know that. Actually, if any one of us left the group, none of us would stop them. I mean, they're a bunch of guys and that means it's all logic and no emotion. I might miss them if they leave the group, but I'm the emotion. Just ask, they'll tell you. So I think it's the whole group that makes everyone stick together. Wow, that sounds incredibly cheesy, but what other reason is there? None of them are reading this (probably) and they aren't about to stop me randomly and say "Let me tell you all the things that make this group so amazing and why we haven't abandoned you." That's my job. I constantly tell them how great they're doing. Or how not so great they're doing. I don't know why, because it's not like it helps them any. But as team leader I'd feel weird if I was "that team leader" who constantly told everyone how bad they were doing and that all the work they did wasn't good enough. But I also don't want to be "that team leader" who literally sits there silently without giving any instruction. Wait...I've actually done that. But that was because of my cold and I was incredibly exhausted. I know, I know, I'm making excuses, but I seriously don't want to do that again. I've discovered that if I'm not working, they don't progress as well, just because it is a group effort after all.

The nice thing about working with guys in this age group is that none of them start bugging me about not working unless they're teasing me. Trust me, I've heard some girls (including me) get really mad about that one person on their group who didn't do anything. Heck, I've ranted about this group to my friends. But after working with them for a little bit, I realized that none of them actually want to fail. None of them actually like seeing me flip out on them either (which I have done three or four times. Not recently though). There have been people who enjoy seeing me flip out. If these guys were like that, I would dislike them all. Me being mad is amusing (because it's so unlike me), but they aren't trying to make me mad, which I appreciate. It's not just any group after all. It's my group.

Ok, now I'm sounding to much like a mom (that happens quite often, no joke) so I'm going try not to think about the last day of senior year when it hits me I'll never see them again. I'm dreading that day. I'm not going to cry, that's a fact. First of all, I've never cried at school before (except in 4th grade when I had a really bad ear infection). Secondly, a lot of my friends are guys, and not only do none of them want to see me get emotional, but they aren't going to be emotional. Nothing. Zilch. I'm starting to see why so many romantic relationships don't work out in high school because girls don't realize that just because guys don't act as happy as the girl does in the relationship, it doesn't mean the guy doesn't care. Boys and girls are different. But I have girlish tendencies too. Somewhere in the back of my head are my emotions telling me that if a guy friend doesn't scream "I'll miss you!" on the brink of tears directly to me, then maybe he doesn't actually care. Of course that isn't true. But those are consistent thoughts that go through my head on the last day of school. "Are they going to miss me at all?" And if they say they'll miss me, that never works because they have to be all emotional about, like we're dating or something. Realistically, if one of them did do that to me, it'd be weird and awkward and I'd question our relationship throughout the year (we were just friends, right?).

Sometimes I hate being a girl that loves people so much. It takes me longer to get over things. So I'll have to force myself to not keep in contact with any of my friends (except Hayley and a couple exceptions) because if I don't the "drifting apart" will take too long, which always makes it worse. It's high school. You're supposed to make friends you'll never see again. But imagine if we were launched into a workplace right away and had never had a close friend before. We would either make the wrong ones because we don't know what we like, or isolate ourselves and be lonely the rest of our lives. I'm pathetic, I know. I've already started planning out what I want to say in other people's yearbooks. It's the first month of school.

"And here on the left, you'll see First Street, the home of our popular antique shops and shows. Wait...what's that? Oh, it's Michaela being nostalgic again. GO HOME!"

 "But...but I don't want to! I'll never see them again!"

"You graduated twenty years ago! Get off the street corner! You look ridiculous."

"I want to go back! Let me go back!"

"Oh no. Quick! Someone grab the time machine before she gets to it first!"

See, it's funny because we don't have tour guides in Snohomish. The town is much too small and boring. But I still love this town, and this state for that matter. What can I say, I'm a sucker for rain. But I'll blog about rain later. That post will be much shorter, I promise.

Wait..I just realized this was supposed to be about school. I get on the topic of Sno-Isle and it all goes haywire. Great.

"Hello. My name is Michaela...and I am nostalgic..."

"Hi Michaela..."

I should consider joining NA (Nostalgics Anonymous). There's quite a confusion because NA already stands for Not Applicable. Not many people know about it.

Anyway, I need to leave before I become a hot nostalgic mess and this blog post becomes really long.

Oh wait...

What's the Deal With Eyes?

If someone compliments my eyes (which hardly happens), what exactly are they complimenting? The color, the emotion it brings them, the emotion it projects?

What makes eyes emotional anyway? I have never understood that. I am not a very good analyzer of eyes, but with that being said, I still see some emotion in them. Where does that come from? Is it in the eyes or our own mind.

Someone I know has very unique eyes, and it's not because of their color. One minute, his eyes are friendly and the next they are extremely off-putting and creepy. How does he do that?! But he is a unique person on his own. He's the type of guy that you never really know is serious or not if he tells you something really weird. You hope he's kidding, but you don't know for sure. Actually, that isn't very unique because a lot of boys in my high school are like that.

Eyes are a strange phenomena. They do wonderful things like help us see. But they also do interesting things like lie. In my opinion, eyes are the most devious part of the body. There are some eyes I've come across that are rather enjoyable to look at. Sometimes it's because of their color, but other times it's because they look so inviting. It's all very strange. I don't know how people can make their eyes look friendly when they're lying to you. They hold so much emotion behind them, and I can't comprehend how someone puts on fake eye-emotion. Most of us have acted happy when we're not, but how do you make your eyes look happy when you're not?

Clearly, I have no idea what I'm talking about because I keep asking so many questions. What do you think about eyes? Do you think about eyes? If not, I apologize for being so strange.

I'm going to go back to looking up people on FaceBook that graduated last year. Of course, I can't go to their wall, but I can see what their interests are. I've only found a couple, and I can't think of very many. This is not going well.

Oh, and school is well (but stressful) and my knee (I scraped it last week) is healing. And I haven't been playing guitar as much because I've been too busy. Thanks for asking.